pray.

thank you all for those who have been praying,
i’ve been praying hard too.

i hear it..

anxiety,
perhaps.

i can constantly hear my heart pumping..
and it is freaky.
for the past few days i feel so anxious,
as if something is going to happen to me,
or that ‘adrenaline’, to do something.
but what?

or that nervousness for meeting a teacher, who is going to scold you?
or to talk to your boyfriend, who is going to break up with you?

that same old familiar feeling.
i’m having that.
i can’t eat,
i can’t sleep.

i can’t do anything.
i wake up, worrying.
‘how come the alarm hasn’t rang? will i be late?’
simple stuff like this..

waves..

i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately,
i’ve been waking up in the morning just to check the time on my phone..
i don’t know what makes me so anxious..

the worst thing is..
when i wake up,
i find my heart beating really fast,
as if i’m worried about something.
and i cannot go back to sleep until i tell myself to calm down..

so what exactly am i agitated about…?
i really don’t know.
i woke up twice today,
had 3 dreams, out of which 2 were so undesirable,
but as raz said.. maybe i’m just deleting stuff from my memory, or what’s left of it.

happy mothers’ day mr montana!

mothers day dinner was fun..
i got to see my cousins, and my godma, and popo..
and everyone else.
dinner was alright i guess..
though the uncle who served us was a piece of shit.

then we took family photos..
it felt weird,
still.
no godpa, no gong gong..

then dad drove me down to vivo, where i waited for aaron to pick up the cake.
then we went down to wcp.
and let the mosquitos feed on us. grr.

but it was worth it.
happy birthday my dear luke montanaaa.
mr flatfoot work buddy.

sang bdae song, and did the dare with him.
ahhh..
sweet love baby!
pushups, situps…
down to his boxers..
but i think mine was cooler.

i got him to go to this bunch of malay boys and ask ‘do you think my boxers are hot?’ and they had to respond.

got it all on video,
which i may never see again,
but it was all good fun.

i’ve been contemplating about some stuff..
so yeah.

i guess i’ll laze off..
and it’ll be a better day..