it’s tough saying goodbye

one of the most painful entries. yet.

Whiskers

thank you for being part of my life,
being so wonderful.

and now you’re gone all i can do is say goodbye and hope you won’t forget me.

i know you didn’t die peacefully,
simply ‘cos the position you were in, it wasn’t the usual curled up like a ball position.
you were stretched out.

your eyes were open,
your mouth was open too.

i don’t know what could be more painful than knowing you’re gone..
the fact i know you probably choked..
or the fact i could never feed you again.

thank you for being such a great pet.
never failing to run up to me and climb onto my hand.

the day i visited you and spent hours just looking at you.

the day i came back from wuhan, i was so afraid you guys would forget my scent. but you didn’t. you stopped what you were doing and rushed to me, and climed onto my hand and started licking it.

the day i got you from the pet shop, i was disappointed cos you weren’t the one i wanted. but i was stuck with you.
how i gave you the name “whiskers” because you were a male, and had whiskers, until i was told all hamsters had whiskers.

in your very first home.

but you were so nice. you never failed to greet me with poop on my hands for the first few weeks. i’m happy it’s stopped, simply because you’re no longer scared of me.

your very first toilet, and it stuck with you.

you have lost so much weight,
and i never saw that this would happen, simply because i thought you’d live for 3 years.

how you were crazier than bubbles, always running about, trying to lick the walls of your home, allowing bubbles to always eat first.

when i got the message from mum i couldn’t stop crying.
i hoped and prayed you were just very tired after running on the wheel..

but i saw you sprawl on the bedding.
a place you’d hardly sleep in, because you love the pink cotton, and you’d sleep in the toilet along with the cotton,
or just beside the toilet.
but today, you were lying in the middle of nowhere, so i cannot imagine how the last minutes/hours of your life was, because i wasn’t there.

i’m sorry i scolded you for running all over the dirty bedding when i was cleaning up weekly.
i’m sorry i couldn’t play with you daily, or change your toilet daily.
i’m sorry i didn’t give you fresh water, or enough vitamins.
i’m sorry i gave the food bowl, the wheel to bubbles, which you two shared.
i’m sorry i assumed the days i had with you were unlimited, and that sometimes, before leaving the house, i would forget to say goodbye, simply because i always felt you’d always be able to see me when i came back.
i’m sorry that this morning, all i did was glance at you, and no check if you were feeling unwell.
on top of that, i’m sorry i couldn’t be a better owner and love you as much as i could.

your very frail body, somehing i’d never imagine.

that night, i cried so hard when you couldn’t climb onto my hand.
i don’t know if it was a sign of you growing old.

how you bit me, just last night, and made me bleed, just because my hand smelt of fried chicken and you wanted some.

i always wanted to take a picture of you lookin at me, because everytime i picked you up, you’ll freeze and just stare at me, before wriggling away.
i pushed the action back, thinking ‘i can always do it another time’
but i dont think it’s possible.

i dont think these words could describe how much i love you,
or give for you to be alive, happy, active, all over again,
just like when i first got you.
i’m sorry i couldn’t kiss you just one more time to say goodbye.
all i could do was sob and hold you in my hands.

i hope you are comfortable in this wooden tea box filled with cotton, and love.

you’re just a few days shy of baby’s 1st birthday, and i thought that i could buy you guys more treats on the day, but i can’t do that now.

remember the time mum made a pyramid our of toilet rolls for you to climb? but you chewed it and we had to throw it away just after one day.
i kept more toilet rolls, because i wanted to make you a slide. i failed at the first attempt, but now i won’t get a chance to make another for you.

and it hurts so much more than it’s supposed to.

i hope i was an owner good enough for you,
and that i was awesome to you, as much as you were to me.

rest in peace whiskers.
i love you. i really do.
and i’ll never forget you.

september 7, 2007 – december 2, 2008