lowest

i think i’ve hit my lowest this semester.
part of me just wants to break down (oh wait, did that already last night) and give up. i’ve never thought of myself as a fighter, i’ve always pictured myself just losing out halfway. but a part of me doesn’t want to. i won’t say i’ve given my all, but for what it’s worth, time isn’t on my side, but i’ll give it a shot.

when major issues come up, i think ‘this is the hardest i’ve fought for’, and this time round, it really is. the most recent case prior to this would be me finding an internship in melbourne, and hey God pulled me through that, in my favour too.

i don’t know how the outcome for this time’s fight will be like. it’s been tiring, daunting, emotionally draining, it’s been on my mind the past week, it’s tearing me apart inside, i can’t focus on school. it doesn’t help a few of my assignments came bac, i’m really not cut out for this academia shit, citing journals i’ve no interest in reading, wanting to smack the theorists, and their studies.. you’ve your dreams, i’ve mine, but i don’t see my dreams being another man’s poison, possibly affecting his life path, ykno? #illogicalrant.and i don’t know if it will be in my favour. by the looks of it, it’s a ‘no’, but i won’t give up just yet.

i’m amazed at something as good as a blessing can turn out to be a hinderance. it can be put into words, just not yet.

oh, and to add salt to the wound, my camera has decided to ‘give up’ his life. the mechanics have gone wonky, my lens wouldn’t retract. it isn’t even funny because all i have is a p&s camera (s100), it’s barely 4 months old, and if the lens doesn’t retract, how the heck do i fit it into its casing? the worst part is probably that there isn’t an official canon shop in melbourne (excuse me canon, are you reading this?), the nearest would be sydney, oh geez, i can’t possibly send my camera there w/o risking it being smashed hmm.

now excuse me, as i collect my shattered thoughts and dreams from the floor, try to piece them back together. maybe i’ll find a way out of this. i always do.

on a side note, i’ve a stash of pictures to post when.. i’m back to my normal self. ie. dan’s birthday, the day daylight savings ended, i think that’s pretty much it.

scooby doo, i don’t give a shit about you

so last sat, j and i caught scooby doo the musical.
Just to be clear, i’m not a fan of that shit. haha.
i cringe every time i see it on tv, switching the channels. cartoon network doesn’t really have good shows, unless it’s foster’s home for imaginary friends..

and even in gold coast, i didn’t like their silly performances. for goodness sake the motherfucking ghost is right there! -stabs person beside me- i never caught their silly acts on the street, i’d zoom zoom zoom right past and go for the rides. erm, actually i only liked one ride. ironically.. the scooby coaster. -_-

ANYHOO. some pictures.

I kept praying the show would end quickly! every adult was with their kids and they were waving their really quirky light sabers, and all I wanted to do was to throw it at the scooby doo cast because.. hello, ghost is in front of you. hello, in your hundreds of episodes, the first person who comes to you for help is usually the one who’s the ‘ghost’? what makes you so sure this time things will be different?

i don’t know how kids can still watch it! as a kid i never screamed at my tv, telling dora the explorer directions which she’d never follow. that bitch ought to go **** herself or something. and i really have something against stupidity…

accck precious hours of my life i’m never getting back!!!

parents in melb

uhm so mom reached on thu and dad came on sat!
1st thing we did was to head to chapel street..

no camera = no pics, but we walked a whole lot, for about 4hrs? walked to find my patent hot pink doc marts but they were 1)out of size 2) bloody ex. rarr. the cheapest pair of doc marts..

went to the “share a chair” orchestra concert at night in melb town hall. really awesome i’ve to say, except i was quite stoned.

on sunday we went to camberwell’s flea market..

yea me looking stoned, still.

was quite fun to walk around alone and see quirky things..

saw many huge ass dogs, got a jam donut and a hotdog..

then we went to st kilda sunday market..

the market was okay i guess, more for my parents to have a look, i was just bringing them around. had lunch,

mom and i shared

and dad had

which was a lil weird, cos who eats sweet stuff in place of savory stuff for meals? guess i’ll never understand it.

hunted for my doc marts, failed, and then we headed back home and just conked out.
so that’s it for the first 2 days. shall update more tmr.

on another note, pms-ing like mad, being a bitch to my parents, they really don’t deserve it. )=

tears & fears

and dislikes.

1. being alone
2. sleeping in the dark
3. waking up in darkness
4. dropping things
5. people leaving (which happens all the time anyway)
6. scary movies
7. clowns
8. birds
9. ghosts
10. frogs
11. guys coming close to me
12. people telling me “you asked for it. you deserve it.”
13. emotional scars and baggage
14. being lied to
15. winter

broken; messed up

usually if i wake up crying it’s a few tears and then i tell myself ‘it’s just a horrid dream’ and i go back to sleep.. but tonight was different. i woke up and instead of stopping i burst into tears and it was uncontrollable it wasn’t even funny

and it just got worse and i was curled up. stupid stupid tears of helplessness and insecurities. cried for eternity i texted josh and actually called my sis up (idk how much she understood cos i was choking and crying and talking lol). no wonder my mom says i only call home when i have problems whoopz.

okay so i was in my melb apt and this classmate (let’s call him C) was helping me with my phonetics work cos irl i am that shitty w it. weird thing was, i knew he was C, yet he wasn’t C at the same time.. he was P (a guy friend i’ve been hanging out with). ackk.

so anw while doing our work i was leaning on his shoulder and his arm was round my shoulder and idk what happened but it was comfy and a nice feeling and then he touched me. fml. i can’t remember where but i knew i was being violated. :// (well apparently i give wrong signals in my dreams too WAY TO GO CHAR) and i was so shocked i pushed him away and tried to open my apt door and i was screaming and crying.

and i said i wanted to go to the police and he just grabbed me and asked what i was gonna tell the police and what could they do and shitz. and he was laughing, being so calm.. and i opened my apt door and started screaming for help (there were heaps of people in the corridor btw) but i couldn’t scream and when i did they finally came to help me but they chased C away. and somehow i ran away from my apt to school and it was so crowded (wow geez way to haunt me, crowds) and i saw C and i ran faster it was crazily scary cos he was laughing still. reached a com lab and i saw A (a guy i’m not speaking to anymore) and i was begging him to help me and take me to someplace safe and he looked at me and said “no. why should i help you. you deserve it”.

well yeah C caught up with me and i couldn’t run and so i was just screaming and pleading with people to get him away from me. scary shit because i think i woke up screaming and then i just started crying like a baby for a good 30mins or so.

——
fucking dreams fucking insecurities. urgh.
i hate how this shit still eats me up inside and it really is thinking too much as (what a wreck) but i can’t do shit to change it. especially not wanting to put myself in a situation where people say “you deserve it/you asked for it”.

crappy shitz.
towel on pillow/pillowcase/hair/i was a mess and i got up to bathe.

)=
on another note i need a new night light. it freaks me out to sleep alone in the dark and my light has spoilt.

not a happy girl

not sure how long this will go on for but i haven’t been getting lotsa sleep. )= it irks me to no end; what happened to being able to sleep for 14 hrs at a stretch?

i try waiting till i’m real sleepy, and then i zzz. like last night i only slept at 4ish, and i woke up at 7ish. this time, in tears. great. just great.

winter is coming hard and fast, i absolutely detest the cold, i hate getting all bundled up just to head out. worst, last night, i dropped the cashmere, twice. wouldn’t have noticed it being gone if not for the nice lady who told me about it. )=

1) eew, dirt on my wool
2) that was embarrassing. in my head i was deducting char points hahaha well now no one can say i’m biased cos i do that to myself too. that was like a -100. dropped my cluth, -100. dropped the cashmere a 2nd time, -just go home and dig a hole and die already.

i used wayyy too many swear words last night. -facepalm- way to ruin your image. guess this means i need to be less comfortable around people, or just stop using them.

it’s a really misty day today, kinda freaking me out.

know what’s not fun?

freezing your damn fingers off while studying.
or just, freezing.

agent hasn’t gotten back to me regarding the central heating. i’m gna hound her tmr.

till then, i’ll be hugging the heater, and i’ve grudgingly put the bed warmer thingy on my bed now. sigh.

i hate winter.
it obviously feels the same considering how i’m trying to keep warm 24/7.

my blog lacks pictures. it looks so boring now. )=
and thus…

-insert random pic of self-

shiny line-y black tank dress, looking pretty albeit pathetic. looks like a cotton tank dress fml. and gold sandals.

which was bad considering i was really really broke, and instead of using the $$ for food i decided to buy those 2 items… but hey A|X was having a sale.. -shrugs- they had some rly nice items, and some that looked trashy.. but until they’re super affordable and available to everyone.. i’ll continue going back to their stores hehe. no point getting something everyone else has right?

i can’t wait till summer comes, i bought that outfit to celebrate the arrival of summer! 2 seasons too early but hey it’s good to be an optimist…. sometimes.

oh and another one

me eating a raw oyster. first time in 20yrs..
1) i don’t eat raw food
2) oysters? lol seriously?
i added wayy too much lemon and salt, but the aftertaste still haunted me.

let’s se.. what else…
nothing, actually. i haven’t done anything much besides wasting my parents’ money.. i sound like an awful slacker )= someone who does nothing but eat sleep and slack.

now if only i could appear that way, and get the grades. that would be trickery at its best. it’d be like “who the fuck are ya’ll calling a slacker?” -throws cert with h1′s and honours stamped all over-

yes, life is just that kind..
okay, 20hrs till i burn my books to keep warm!

one more week till im free

I’m really busy with schoolwork, but just thought i should take some time (like 5 mins haha) to talk about how God has been working furiously in my life. and i believe that it’s him who’s driving it, not just mere coincidence and all…

here’s my timetable for the week:

(printscreen from desktop. unfortunately i’ve to replace my helicopter to this, till thurs)

i’m super packed, and i’m organising cell stuff this friday, which means i have to be there, and also, it meant that i’ve been organising stuff for it the past week.

never thought i could juggle commitments and studies (am glad in a way there’s no more band prac then?) so obviously God has been really good, pushing me on.

the past week has been hellish of sorts for me, sleeping and waking at the worst timings ever.

i can’t remember when but i started sleeping at 5am, then 7am and 8am.. and waking up from like 2pm and the latest: 5pm. really screwing myself over because if i’ve only got assignments it’s fine but i’ve other things to do outside too.. am really glad for the break j and i took on tuesday. even though it meant little sleep for me.

so on tues, i slept at 5am, woke up at 10am and walked to the city to try change my phone for a new one (but failed, btw). had lunch, waited while j got stuff, j waited while i got stuff. we bought some necessities, dumped them at home, went back to the city to shop, where we spent about an hour in a|x (where i found a new level of “being broke”). threading on thin ice, really, it’s not very practical of me to shop when i’ve no cash (sadly, i’ve reached an “all time broke” in my bank which never happened in my life. i kinda feel like a guy who suddenly can’t get it up.) then we got other things, shared a mega box of fries, shopped for groceries and went home. it was about 9ish by the time we reached home, and i napped for about 2 hrs..

(this is weds)
woke up at 1ish, stayed up to do work, went to bed at 6ish, but only managed to fall asleep at 7ish 8. woke up at 5pm, there was no more sun. got depressed and prayed that i’ll get my sleep pattern back. :/ really prayed.

and then i slept at about 1am, intending to wake up at 9 to do work but this morning (thurs) i jolted awake at 5.51am. tried convincing myself to go back to sleep for 3 more hours. whatsapped my sis, who was awake, so i decided to wake up for good and get some work done because i’ve stuff on later.

it’s 8.39am now, still feeling fairly awake, going on strong. am amazed how calm I am after God has given me strength to
1) turn my body clock back
2) stay calm and write my essays
and i mean, prayer really does work. i mean even though you don’t see the results like -snap-, but it calms me down and gives me a sense of direction and i know who i can fall back on…

i guess procrastinating never pays, but till the 9th, i’ll be a slave to my books. also, in a really personal/private way, i found out yesterday why God has kept me single. and i’m hoping it stays that way for a really long time. till maybe 2yrs before i get married (haha).

OKAY BACK TO MY BOOKS. this was kinda therapeutic..

highlight of my night

being an arts student is really fun.
i get to write an average of 12 essays per semester..
i get to stay home and use my com 24/7 to search for journals..

this is categorised under “thrills” and “urgh” at the same time simply because i’ve not freaking life. sigh. okay if i do my essays i can go out but… procrastination… urgh.

anyway i was do bored i had to find something to do..
solution? VIWAWA. wahjong.

i’ve been playing daidee for the past new nights on my phone, but nothing can beat asshole daidee with my fav people. )=

okay back to my point.
highlight..

was fucking stoked yes i’m that big of a loser, this was the highlight of my day. so happy till i demanded that joyce give me a hi5. (which she did, thank goodness. or it’d have been awkward for my hand)

i’m so awesome, viwawa gave me a badge. hahaha no shit. i was so excited.

okay well, maybe i’ll go sleep now. at least i have something to be proud of today.

the truth

Writing this in a rather calm manner.. i don’t know what i’ll say, how much i’ll say.. but ah well..

so i’ve been hanging out and the biggest topic that struck me (that made me go home and think) was how frozen i get when people come close to me, physically. why i don’t date.. why i hate crowded areas.

and i couldn’t really figure out, i’ve never thought of myself as someone “weird”. sure i say the most awkward things when i’m uncomfortable, i tell people that i don’t trust them, i tell them not to come so close to me because it makes me uneasy.. i don’t know how it built up, but last night, i kinda pieced the puzzle together. i felt slightly relieved that i’ve finally gotten round to why i behave this way

it was 2002. i was in primary school. p6, 12yr old being all dorky. it was christmas eve and i was going out with my sister and her 2 friends. i still remember who they are, i see them when they hang out at my place haha. okay so anyway, we met in orchard. i still remember what i wore. some blue nike top which was rly pretty hahaha. and jeans and shoes.

so we were roaming the streets and everyone was counting down. foam sprays, colourful strings.. whatever. it was really really crowded and i felt really uneasy. and i suddenly felt, really, really weird. it didn’t hit me at that moment, but a few seconds later. someone’s hand was between my legs and he was rubbing my jeans, where my vagina was. and when i finally realised what was going on, it was already too late. the hand was gone.

it happened really quickly, for me to do anything but i remember begging my sister to bring me home and i was crying real badly, because i didn’t know what do to. and her friends were wondering what was wrong when they finally realised it. but there was nothing we could do hey. 13yr old kids + a 12yr old.. who are you going to tell? there was a huge ass crowd, there’s no way you could pin point who it was. police were on the streets but what else could they do? it could have been anyone’s hand….. there, if i can’t get any more blatant, here it is: i was molested when i was 12.

and this is why i’m really afraid of crowds i’m guessing. knowing that the same shit can happen again. hey i wasn’t even wearing a dress. jeans, and a t shirt. mind you. and in a crowd, everything’s so uncertain. just the thought of not knowing who will rub you, or touch you, or grab you.. it freaks me out and i get all vulnerable.

and if you’re on a date, hey it’s just you and the guy, alone. i may be taking things to far by thinking that every guy wants to get fresh with me but let’s face the fact: all guys want sex. and.. the things he could do while you guys are alone.. thinking about it just freaks me out.. sure, having nothing to say means being awkward and i hate that, but at the back of my head, i’ve admitted to my friend that while we hung out i was so afraid he was gonna come kiss me or something and i told him not to sit so close to me. we had a few laughs about that.. my friend was understanding enough and im thankful for that. i just, choke up when people get close to me because who’s to say about what’s to happen? sure i may be thinking too much, but it won’t hurt if i’m doing whatever i can to protect myself..

and if shit happens, we all know the girl gets blamed. “she asked for it, she went out with him” bla bla bla. we’ve all heard the story before. but is it, really? look. i wore jeans and a t shirt, i still got molested. my boobs probably weren’t big enough to be grabbed, but hey, all females are born with a fucking vagina. does this mean we deserve to get molested just because we have it?

or maybe, i shouldn’t have gone to orchard road during christmas eve. i admit it, it was a silly thing to do. i was young, i wanted to go out to celebrate. endless reasons which ended up in me getting touched by some asshole.

and i don’t know how it happened over the years, but i’m this incident has played a part in making me who i am today. and the way i react now, it’s how i cope with issues, me dealing with things in the way that might not be natural to others..

but i’ve been coping well hey? i still turn out fine. i’m not justifying or defending my somewhat weird actions, all i’m saying is, shit happens, we all have our own ways of dealing with it. and this is my way. it may not make sense to others who are reading it, but it makes sense to me and that’s all that matters.

no i’ve never told my parents about this. it causes them unnecessary worry, it breaks their hearts, that’s the last thing i want them to know. what do i want them to do, then? tie me up so i’ll be saf? yet i’m blogging about it openly, where anyone and everyone can read it. i guess it’s because hey, if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone else.

it’s not that this incident is preventing me from doing things but i guess it’ll always be at the back of my mind. it doesn’t haunt me anymore. i just take it as “something that did happen”. no use running away or denying it happened, right?

i do know that this may be read by my mom or dad but hey parents, i’m really okay. shit happens, i accept it, i’ve moved on a long time ago. (=