tears & fears

and dislikes.

1. being alone
2. sleeping in the dark
3. waking up in darkness
4. dropping things
5. people leaving (which happens all the time anyway)
6. scary movies
7. clowns
8. birds
9. ghosts
10. frogs
11. guys coming close to me
12. people telling me “you asked for it. you deserve it.”
13. emotional scars and baggage
14. being lied to
15. winter

broken; messed up

usually if i wake up crying it’s a few tears and then i tell myself ‘it’s just a horrid dream’ and i go back to sleep.. but tonight was different. i woke up and instead of stopping i burst into tears and it was uncontrollable it wasn’t even funny

and it just got worse and i was curled up. stupid stupid tears of helplessness and insecurities. cried for eternity i texted josh and actually called my sis up (idk how much she understood cos i was choking and crying and talking lol). no wonder my mom says i only call home when i have problems whoopz.

okay so i was in my melb apt and this classmate (let’s call him C) was helping me with my phonetics work cos irl i am that shitty w it. weird thing was, i knew he was C, yet he wasn’t C at the same time.. he was P (a guy friend i’ve been hanging out with). ackk.

so anw while doing our work i was leaning on his shoulder and his arm was round my shoulder and idk what happened but it was comfy and a nice feeling and then he touched me. fml. i can’t remember where but i knew i was being violated. :// (well apparently i give wrong signals in my dreams too WAY TO GO CHAR) and i was so shocked i pushed him away and tried to open my apt door and i was screaming and crying.

and i said i wanted to go to the police and he just grabbed me and asked what i was gonna tell the police and what could they do and shitz. and he was laughing, being so calm.. and i opened my apt door and started screaming for help (there were heaps of people in the corridor btw) but i couldn’t scream and when i did they finally came to help me but they chased C away. and somehow i ran away from my apt to school and it was so crowded (wow geez way to haunt me, crowds) and i saw C and i ran faster it was crazily scary cos he was laughing still. reached a com lab and i saw A (a guy i’m not speaking to anymore) and i was begging him to help me and take me to someplace safe and he looked at me and said “no. why should i help you. you deserve it”.

well yeah C caught up with me and i couldn’t run and so i was just screaming and pleading with people to get him away from me. scary shit because i think i woke up screaming and then i just started crying like a baby for a good 30mins or so.

——
fucking dreams fucking insecurities. urgh.
i hate how this shit still eats me up inside and it really is thinking too much as (what a wreck) but i can’t do shit to change it. especially not wanting to put myself in a situation where people say “you deserve it/you asked for it”.

crappy shitz.
towel on pillow/pillowcase/hair/i was a mess and i got up to bathe.

)=
on another note i need a new night light. it freaks me out to sleep alone in the dark and my light has spoilt.

meh.

i love the colour blue.
i’m fascinated by lights, and being underwater. of course, the latter isn’t any fun if there isn’t sun pouring through.
i’m severely allergic to couples making out in public, where others can see them. i can’t help but make comments cos it’s so awkward.
also, i’m allergic to the word ‘date’.
i hate playing games on my phone but i do that every morning before i get out of bed. :/

tommy asked me why i wasn’t letting anyone in. i don’t know why either. i told him i haven’t found someone worth it yet. and he said maybe it’s because i chose not to. i don’t know, but i’ve a feeling he’s right. this shit is confusing. and then again, i didn’t build the walls up just to have them torn down. -rarr- he said i was deliberately pushing guys away. idk. i hate how he tells me shit and i cant outrightly tell him that it isn’t true. geez……

hokay catching 500 days of summer right now.

not a happy girl

not sure how long this will go on for but i haven’t been getting lotsa sleep. )= it irks me to no end; what happened to being able to sleep for 14 hrs at a stretch?

i try waiting till i’m real sleepy, and then i zzz. like last night i only slept at 4ish, and i woke up at 7ish. this time, in tears. great. just great.

winter is coming hard and fast, i absolutely detest the cold, i hate getting all bundled up just to head out. worst, last night, i dropped the cashmere, twice. wouldn’t have noticed it being gone if not for the nice lady who told me about it. )=

1) eew, dirt on my wool
2) that was embarrassing. in my head i was deducting char points hahaha well now no one can say i’m biased cos i do that to myself too. that was like a -100. dropped my cluth, -100. dropped the cashmere a 2nd time, -just go home and dig a hole and die already.

i used wayyy too many swear words last night. -facepalm- way to ruin your image. guess this means i need to be less comfortable around people, or just stop using them.

it’s a really misty day today, kinda freaking me out.

the truth

Writing this in a rather calm manner.. i don’t know what i’ll say, how much i’ll say.. but ah well..

so i’ve been hanging out and the biggest topic that struck me (that made me go home and think) was how frozen i get when people come close to me, physically. why i don’t date.. why i hate crowded areas.

and i couldn’t really figure out, i’ve never thought of myself as someone “weird”. sure i say the most awkward things when i’m uncomfortable, i tell people that i don’t trust them, i tell them not to come so close to me because it makes me uneasy.. i don’t know how it built up, but last night, i kinda pieced the puzzle together. i felt slightly relieved that i’ve finally gotten round to why i behave this way

it was 2002. i was in primary school. p6, 12yr old being all dorky. it was christmas eve and i was going out with my sister and her 2 friends. i still remember who they are, i see them when they hang out at my place haha. okay so anyway, we met in orchard. i still remember what i wore. some blue nike top which was rly pretty hahaha. and jeans and shoes.

so we were roaming the streets and everyone was counting down. foam sprays, colourful strings.. whatever. it was really really crowded and i felt really uneasy. and i suddenly felt, really, really weird. it didn’t hit me at that moment, but a few seconds later. someone’s hand was between my legs and he was rubbing my jeans, where my vagina was. and when i finally realised what was going on, it was already too late. the hand was gone.

it happened really quickly, for me to do anything but i remember begging my sister to bring me home and i was crying real badly, because i didn’t know what do to. and her friends were wondering what was wrong when they finally realised it. but there was nothing we could do hey. 13yr old kids + a 12yr old.. who are you going to tell? there was a huge ass crowd, there’s no way you could pin point who it was. police were on the streets but what else could they do? it could have been anyone’s hand….. there, if i can’t get any more blatant, here it is: i was molested when i was 12.

and this is why i’m really afraid of crowds i’m guessing. knowing that the same shit can happen again. hey i wasn’t even wearing a dress. jeans, and a t shirt. mind you. and in a crowd, everything’s so uncertain. just the thought of not knowing who will rub you, or touch you, or grab you.. it freaks me out and i get all vulnerable.

and if you’re on a date, hey it’s just you and the guy, alone. i may be taking things to far by thinking that every guy wants to get fresh with me but let’s face the fact: all guys want sex. and.. the things he could do while you guys are alone.. thinking about it just freaks me out.. sure, having nothing to say means being awkward and i hate that, but at the back of my head, i’ve admitted to my friend that while we hung out i was so afraid he was gonna come kiss me or something and i told him not to sit so close to me. we had a few laughs about that.. my friend was understanding enough and im thankful for that. i just, choke up when people get close to me because who’s to say about what’s to happen? sure i may be thinking too much, but it won’t hurt if i’m doing whatever i can to protect myself..

and if shit happens, we all know the girl gets blamed. “she asked for it, she went out with him” bla bla bla. we’ve all heard the story before. but is it, really? look. i wore jeans and a t shirt, i still got molested. my boobs probably weren’t big enough to be grabbed, but hey, all females are born with a fucking vagina. does this mean we deserve to get molested just because we have it?

or maybe, i shouldn’t have gone to orchard road during christmas eve. i admit it, it was a silly thing to do. i was young, i wanted to go out to celebrate. endless reasons which ended up in me getting touched by some asshole.

and i don’t know how it happened over the years, but i’m this incident has played a part in making me who i am today. and the way i react now, it’s how i cope with issues, me dealing with things in the way that might not be natural to others..

but i’ve been coping well hey? i still turn out fine. i’m not justifying or defending my somewhat weird actions, all i’m saying is, shit happens, we all have our own ways of dealing with it. and this is my way. it may not make sense to others who are reading it, but it makes sense to me and that’s all that matters.

no i’ve never told my parents about this. it causes them unnecessary worry, it breaks their hearts, that’s the last thing i want them to know. what do i want them to do, then? tie me up so i’ll be saf? yet i’m blogging about it openly, where anyone and everyone can read it. i guess it’s because hey, if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone else.

it’s not that this incident is preventing me from doing things but i guess it’ll always be at the back of my mind. it doesn’t haunt me anymore. i just take it as “something that did happen”. no use running away or denying it happened, right?

i do know that this may be read by my mom or dad but hey parents, i’m really okay. shit happens, i accept it, i’ve moved on a long time ago. (=

bleh

stuff i’m afraid of
- heights
- cable car rides (always joke with my friends that if a guy wants to impress me he doesn’t need to take me to a scary movie he just has to get me to sit those shit)
- clowns
- birds
- drops (on rollercoasters)
- the dark (i sleep w a night light)
- people standing/sitting too close to me

stuff i like
- apple juice
- water
- alone time
- sitting alone in a park or on a hill then falling asleep
- walking
- space. a lot of space.

stuff i really hate
- making plans but never actually carrying them out (what a waste of time. plan for fuck?)
- christians who loveeee God so much and keep proclaiming how great He is, but treating their people like dirt, and not lending a helping hand when needed.
- people who put “others above self” on the outside, when actually it was always “self above others” — uhhhh i get it selfish asshole, now move along
- crowded areas

i don’t know the point of this.

fears

1) what if i’m not good enough in anything i do?
just that day i was talking to a friend who’s a musician, and he was unsure about his path, feeling that he’s not good enough (or so to say) and i told him that we’ll never find ourselves good enough for anything.

if we don’t ever find ourselves good enough, i don’t think anyone else would. confidence is the key. but, where do we get it from?

i’m currently coaching some kids, helping them w their english. i can’t thank the school enough for giving me this job. but i’m so afraid of making mistakes, explaining it wrongly, being unable to explain. my words could very well hinder the students’ learning.

heck, ask me about (‘s) and (s’) or (its) and (it’s), it’s all so confusing. the past few days i’ve been searching online in school on how to explain it in the best possible way, giving examples, hoping it’ll help. but how if it doesn’t help? i’d have wasted the poor kid’s time, or worse, have taught him something that’s soooo wrong. :/ my english isn’t the best, i don’t even think it’s mega-awesome (unlike my personality hehe).

and just today something shook me quite badly.

2) how if i’m never able to fit into society? how if who i am hinders me from getting a proper job? am i able to give things up..?

i don’t really feel that what i like is considered a “phase”. i mean, look. i’ve liked piercings and tattoos since i was young. but society still condemns it. they’re associated with unruly behaviour, bad role models (are they even role models then?), unfit to have a stable government job (in my opinion) because people won’t respect you or take you seriously. then again i’m wondering, does it really matter? as long as you deliver work on time, and it’s of quality, should you be judged on what you wear, how your hair is, how your tattoo is, where your piercings are?

as a teacher i have to know my limits, and i don’t want to be on that side where people go “hey you’re not fit to be a teacher because of xxxxx”.

it’s all so frustrating inside, i’m forced to grow up so quickly. i know i’m not exactly the most normal person around too.

let’s face it
1) i dislike crowds
2) i dislike noise (except when i’m listening to music)
3) i don’t like being alone with people, it makes me uncomfortable
4) i am super random, my mind can link things in the most unbelievable way. i wish i could explain it but no one else would see it anyway

do we really need anything more…? :/
urg. lack of sleep, and pressure to speak good english is getting to me.

/end of emo random post

lazy ass

okay y’kno what too lazy to blog about taiwan trip. SOON. promise.
on another note i deleted all my itunes songs yay me!

fussing over some matters,
really need to pray hard.
seeing how..
1. grandaunt is dazed. doesnt even smile.
2. popo has only 3 months.
3. uni is a big question mark.
4. there’s no 4 right now.