lolz on mother’s day

my brother can be so amusing at times

lol

so momsy uses lol too..

Dear future husband

Don’t know who you are, don’t know where you live.
Hopefully you’re… born. jk. I hope you’re at least 24-ish.

Are you working already? Does your boss annoy you? What’s your favourite colour? I hope it’s blue. or black.

I come with a whole lot of fears, from being afraid of abandonment, to being lied to, to small things like height, cockroaches and really ugly things.

I’m quite anal about how things are supposed to be done, so.. that means you just have to be a lot cleaner and neater. Nobody likes slobs anyway, unless you’re a slob yourself. If so, consider our marriage over.

I love giving, but I’ve yet to learn the art of accepting gifts. It just feels awkward for me, and if you see me frowning, or even looking in another direction for a bit, it’s probably because I’m unsure of how to react. But maybe you’ll win me over with your gifts. Though you probably already know that I dislike chocolates, toys and shit like that.

I hate being emotional, it clouds judgements. And by judgements, I mean decisions. I’m mostly a black and white person. I get annoyed (mostly, at myself) when there are grey areas. I’m generally calm and stoned (you should know this by now), and I get frustrated when I can’t figure out how I’m feeling at that moment.

When I get excited about other men (I mean movie stars), it doesn’t mean I wish you were like them. George Clooney is known to be a player, Hugh Grant was caught with a prostitute…. so yea, I chose you (haha not like I could choose the above two.. but still!).

I built a heap of walls to prevent myself from getting hurt, but that just serves you right. What took you so long to come find me? But once you tear them all down, you’ll find that I can be quite a wreck at times. Yea, probably just like all the other girls, but I’m just more awesome, because.. it’s me.

Since you’ve been warned, don’t expect too much. You’re not supposed to be disappointed.

I always make jokes at the weirdest times because I cannot stand awkward situations, either that, or I zone out. I know, “wow this is really awkward.. hahaha” isn’t the best line to say, you’ve probably heard it a lot, but that’s just me.

There’s a whole lot more, but I’m guessing, if you’re already my husband, you’ve probably figured a whole lot without me telling you.

x
char

lecture humour

i’m not swamped with work yet but I’m too lazy to blog. ://

received 2 announcements from my uni email and i found it really cute of our lecturers, only because it isn’t the usual boring notifications..

momsy.

momsy is with me right now and i was just telling marv about what she said so i thought it’s be an awful lot of fun if i typed it here.

(referring to my bra paddings)
momsy: (putting it on the clothing rack to dry) haha. looks like bbq like that. haha..

and just now i was slightly freaking out because she only brought 5 tops with her. :/ FIVE? FOR 1.5 MONTHS? the other time i went to china for that amount of time, i wanted to bring 20 tops/dresses and g told me i shouldnt and i brought at least 10!

me: are you being sneaky. bringing so little so you can shop here.
her: haha.. don’t say like that!
me: but is it true?
her: hmm.. do you think so?
me: yea cos dad’s coming….

or the time when she just started using handphones.. i’d randomly put the phone to my ear and go ‘hello hello.. wait ah’ and then pass the phone to her. and she’ll just go ‘hello? hello? eh the person hung up’ HAHAHAH and no light/sound coming from the phone what so ever. yea i’m damn horrid lol..

anw here’s a pic.
momsy and i at a korean bbq restaurant last night with chik and ern.

and yes, my bra is pink. it’s not the lighting…

vocal folds vs vagina

look at this:

these are your vocal folds.
they’re in your mouth. (the one on your face) to be exact, your throat. you need them to make all sorts of sounds. a normal sound, a creaky sound (like croaking), whispering…

doesn’t it look like

a vagina?

is that why guys think they can either put their dick into a girl’s mouth or their vagina? like, penetrative sex, or oral sex? are they somewhat confused? i mean, if they didn’t attend biology class, then those two might look similar…. and if you’re that stupid you could mistake one for the other and somehow..

“that’s a.. vocal t.. no wait, vag. oh hmm. vag? vocal tract? oh shit i can’t tell the difference! now the girl is gonna think i’m some dumb rugby jock who knows nothing! okay let’s play it cool, calm the fuck down.. think.. think…. oh heck let’s just put my dick in and see what happens”

ps: the only reason why i noticed is because i’m doing a module ‘phonetics’ and we gotta learn the parts of your mouth/throat.

dear bird at my balcony

ps: i don’t know what breed you are, i can’t spell the word pigeon, so i’m gonna just call you ‘bird’

I’m pretty sure you’ve heard me the past few days. banging on my balcony glass door.
you’ve been staring at me with those evil red beady eyes like i’m the one intruding your home.
i tap on the glass wall lightly in case it breaks, and you know i’ll be in trouble. SO WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY LIFE SO DIFFICULT?

i know my place is amazing.
so amazing because
1) some bitch used it as a scam (another blog post)
2) i’m living in my apartment which makes it amazing
3) the view is great.

but seriously, you’re a damn bird with wings, and you can fly. if you’re a freaking kiwi i can understand. BUT YOU FLY. there are better places in the city. heard of the eureka skydeck?! amazing view too. you know the best part? the people looking at you won’t be plotting your death.

MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF MY BALCONY RIGHT NOW.
1) when you’re at the balcony, i gotta close my sliding door. no fresh air = death for me.
2) when you’re there, i can’t be there. and i’m paying the rent hello?
3) if my agent finds out i’m subletting the balcony to you (and at no charge, too) i’m pretty sure i’ll be
a) evicted
b) deported back to singapore
4) you’re so ugly nobody likes you. if you were some hot male, sure, but WELL YOU AIN’T SO GET YOUR WHITE FLUFFY ASS BACK TO THE DUMPSTER WHERE IT BELONGS YO. that’s right, yo’ mama shasha black standin up for herself and her homeboy (joyce, whom i shall call JC cos its more ghetto) MOVE BACK TO YO DAMN HOOD.
4) i intend to buy a gun just so i can shoot you. i don’t think you wanna create a scene where csi comes, looks at your body, scoffs, throws it into a body bag and then chute it right? NO WORTH. NO VALUE. no one’s gonna take fingerprints and all no one will care that you died.
5) i intend to buy golfballs and start throwing them at you. problem is, i live on the 9th floor. if the balls drop to the 1st floor i might kill someone or something.
6) your tapping against the glass window? fucking annoying. if you at least shut the hell up and be invisible i can at least pretend that you’re paint on my wall.
7) the only thing you’ll get is a bullet through your skull.

so, do me a favour,
GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY BALCONY. FLY AWAY. FOREVER. hopefully you’ll die along the way.

with not an ounce of love,
char.

being an educator isn’t easy

what an educator would not say to her students

“us teachers have to dress up for school, wear make up to cover our flaws because you students actually dare to comment that our complexion isn’t good. you think damn fun ah? wake up to put eyeliner and all the shit that makes us look like a ghost.”

or

“harlow, you think i want to give you compos is it? we open our mouths, give one essay, and the next day, 40 sub par essays slap us in the face. you think we feel shiok ah?”

because i’ve actually heard a student bitch/complain, saying another teacher has a very horrid complexion, and needs concealer. WHERE DO KIDS COME FROM THESE DAYS? NARNIA?

and another student actually asked the teacher (i happened to be monitoring that class)
“oi cher, why you everyday wear the same clothes”

^&$%^#$% -flings random book at student-
since when did students care about a teacher’s appearance!?

i am so glad they didn’t say that to me because
1) someone would have gotten injured -waves fist-
2) would have lost my job that same day

dodge vs uterus

it’s not just me right?

i mean.. look at this… the logo.. yes it’s dodge’s logo. and no, dodge is different from dodge viper.

okay back to my point. DOESN’T THIS SHIT LOOK FAMILIAR?

yea it looks like a freaking uterus damnit.!

now, who was the guy who came up with the logo? sneaky lil perv on crack, bet you thought i wouldn’t notice.

why i wouldn’t want a daughter

i really pity parents who have daughters.. like okay 1 or 2 is fine.. but if you had like 4.. then bless you. seriously.

1) those who have baby boys are said to have interesting sex lifes
now i don’t know if it’s true, but if it really is, and you have 10 daughters, everyone can guess which position you used. and you wouldn’t want to be “that couple” would you?

2) unwanted pregnancy
if you had a son, would you be that worried? the ans is NO. a boy cannot get pregnant. have you seen anyone shaming a boy for getting a girl pregnant? NO. the girl is called a slut, a whore, the list is endless
- her friends will mock her
- her friends’ parents will mock her and tell their kid to stay away from your kid. yes. simply because if your pregnant daughter mixes with their daughters, they will somehow magically get pregnant. in this day and age, pregnancy is passed through like, bluetooth.
- her friends’ parents will look down on you. and you’ll be the topic of every dinner conversation
- YOUR friends will say that you didn’t teach your child the right values. sure they might not say it to your face, but they’ll do it behind your back and tell their kids about how your daughter is a slut.

now, if you had a boy, would people do that? it’s society’s way of treating women as the weaker sex, and shit happens.

3) relationships
you’ll worry if your daughter has a boyfriend when she hits 13. (thus point 2). you’ll worry if she is having sex behind your back, despite the very useful sex talk.

i’ve no idea what give parents the idea that just because they had the one-time sex talk with their kid, their kid will remain a virgin till they’re married. seriously.

on the other hand, you’ll worry if your son doesn’t have a girlfriend (what makes him so unlikable?!) does he smell? is he too short or fat? why doesn’t any girl want to shag him?

4) period pains
any girl who goes through this monthly will tell you how she desperately wants to remove her vag and fling it at the guy she hates. #truestoryforme

the popping of the pills don’t work. the more pills you eat, the more immune your body is to it.
the hot water bottle doesn’t work.
the only thing you can do? sleep it off.

also, to whisper (the pad company) have a happy period? THAT’S YOUR TAG LINE? WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH IT? A GUY?

WELL FUCK YOU. PERIODS ARE NEVER HAPPY. women get so bloody angsty during “that time of the month” NOTHING makes them happy. if you remove the source of bleeding maybe they’ll be happy BUT YOU CANT. so how the fuck can you have a happy period. explain, please. i’m dying to hear it.

ps: im having my period now, thus, yea. self explanatory.

you’ll never hear your son complaining about how his dick bleeds, or has cramps. though if your son does, i honestly think you should stop reading my blog and bring him to the A&E department.

5) cost of monthly items
having a daughter means an increase in expenditure.
- pads/tampons monthly
- clothes. girls shop like crazy
- bras and different kinds of underwear
- accessories and jewelry
- birkin. every girl wants one secretly. if you have the money to bring a girl up, better prepare to save for a birkin for her 50th 10th birthday
- make up. unlike the birkin, make up can’t last. put it on, wipe it off a few hours later. xrepeat for years
- shoes to go with the bag AND clothes. yes everything has to match
- beauty stuff. waxing, manicures, other stuff girls do…

for a guy? 5 black t shirts, 1 pair of jeans, a pair of sneakers, you’re set for life. underwear is optional (quoted from my brother’s t shirt).

6) bitching and gossiping
girls get together to gossip. update everyone on their lives, bitch about friends/relatives/pet rock… it’s disastrous. i worry my kid will go through that and not make it out alive.

guys.. guys tend to handle it better, they get together, eat pizza, play WoW. yeh, shitz like that.

and this is why i don’t want a daughter.
ideally, my child should magically appear when he is 21. he should also be good looking and have a good heart so i wouldn’t need to worry about him being a jerk to girls, or a jerk to his mom (me).