weight issues

everyone’s wondering why girls never find themselves too skinny.

IRONY
the same person who goes round saying “fuck lah, stupid girls all wanna be so skinny.. all not nice lor! where got nice??” turns to another friend and says “can you stop eating?? you’re getting fatter you know??”

ever since i came back from melbourne, everyone has said i’ve put on weight. making fucking snide comments like

“ask your sister to go lose some weight lah”
“i couldn’t recognise you!”
“why did you eat so much in melbourne? never exercise right?”
“wow you’re so fat now you’ve put on a lot of weight you know that right???”

the list goes on and on…

seriously, what the fuck. would you want me to lose X amt of weight so you’ll be happy? fuck you! lao niang can inflate and deflate as she wants, thank you very much.

i was never happy with my weight since young. i tipped the scales at 48 in sec school, and it went down to 43 after stuff happened. even at 43, i was not happy. i hated the way i looked, i hated how i was so fat and ugly and even though everyone told me i looked fine, even ghostly because i was too skinny, i felt i was FAT. FAT FAT FAT.

and then i got to 45, and then 48, then 50 and i still wasn’t happy. obviously, since i put on weight, even though i was actually trying to lose it.

i’d go crazy every time i weighed myself and i’ll even cry about it.. still, i continued putting on weight… yes hello i’m above 50, doesn’t take a genius to realise that..

and guys who talk to me are like “but you’re not fat what! where got fat?? please lah, as long as you are below 50kg, you are not fat!”

one guy even went “those above 50 should be careful.. but other than that, not fat what?”

and i’m like “i’m above 50kg excuse me?”

and they’ll just shut up for a moment, and go “but you’re not fat lah!!”

it’s apparent that 50 is the magic number.. which is crazy.

the silver lining is i’ve begun to appreciate myself for who i am. fat/skinny, whatever. i’m happy. i’m happy being this weight. i do wish it would go down so i can wear the clothes i once wore, but bottom line is: i’m happy.

and your shit about people being fat, really? have you ever realised your stupid words can crush a girl’s world in a matter of seconds? you probably don’t realise the impact of your words, do you?

seriously guys, you wonder why people have anorexia, why they’re taking slimming pills, exercising excessively, refuse to eat… it’s because of you!

stop stop stop telling people they’re fat. their size has nothing to do with how amazing their personalities are. you’ve no idea how much weight (ohh pun) your words hold.

fashion definition

sometimes i cannot help but feel that clothes are more of a hindrance than anything else… they define who we are, our personality, our mood, even our social status…

i wish that just for one day, we’d strip ourselves of that notion. take your clothes off, everybody’s equal! the idea of walking around bare, where everybody would feel the same, no shame of hiding anything. hey, that’s really good for sun tanning. (=

then i re-read toto chan, the little girl at the window. where the principal filled up the swimming pool, and told they kids they didn’t have to wear clothes if they didn’t want to. because they’re all so young, feeling shy, maybe even inferior. but once they took off their clothes they realised everyone was equal, the clothes didn’t matter. having fun was the main objective. and it struck me how, such a simple act can help one’s growth.

the next was on blogtv, where they asked if it was necessary to have a nudist beach of sorts in singapore, to let people express themselves. personally i feel that singaporeans would abuse it, look, even if you kissed someone in the train, someone would take a picture and post it up on STOMP. but just the idea of being free from all your clothes. not bothering to think “what should i wear today?” and everything else… it does seem enticing..

we’re so shaped by material stuff… we focus so much on how we are portraying the outside us, we forget about the inside.. look at the advertisments..
weight loss, facials, hair removal, shoes, bags, sales.. hardly see any huge mega ads on classes for personality, morals..

#just saying

fears

1) what if i’m not good enough in anything i do?
just that day i was talking to a friend who’s a musician, and he was unsure about his path, feeling that he’s not good enough (or so to say) and i told him that we’ll never find ourselves good enough for anything.

if we don’t ever find ourselves good enough, i don’t think anyone else would. confidence is the key. but, where do we get it from?

i’m currently coaching some kids, helping them w their english. i can’t thank the school enough for giving me this job. but i’m so afraid of making mistakes, explaining it wrongly, being unable to explain. my words could very well hinder the students’ learning.

heck, ask me about (‘s) and (s’) or (its) and (it’s), it’s all so confusing. the past few days i’ve been searching online in school on how to explain it in the best possible way, giving examples, hoping it’ll help. but how if it doesn’t help? i’d have wasted the poor kid’s time, or worse, have taught him something that’s soooo wrong. :/ my english isn’t the best, i don’t even think it’s mega-awesome (unlike my personality hehe).

and just today something shook me quite badly.

2) how if i’m never able to fit into society? how if who i am hinders me from getting a proper job? am i able to give things up..?

i don’t really feel that what i like is considered a “phase”. i mean, look. i’ve liked piercings and tattoos since i was young. but society still condemns it. they’re associated with unruly behaviour, bad role models (are they even role models then?), unfit to have a stable government job (in my opinion) because people won’t respect you or take you seriously. then again i’m wondering, does it really matter? as long as you deliver work on time, and it’s of quality, should you be judged on what you wear, how your hair is, how your tattoo is, where your piercings are?

as a teacher i have to know my limits, and i don’t want to be on that side where people go “hey you’re not fit to be a teacher because of xxxxx”.

it’s all so frustrating inside, i’m forced to grow up so quickly. i know i’m not exactly the most normal person around too.

let’s face it
1) i dislike crowds
2) i dislike noise (except when i’m listening to music)
3) i don’t like being alone with people, it makes me uncomfortable
4) i am super random, my mind can link things in the most unbelievable way. i wish i could explain it but no one else would see it anyway

do we really need anything more…? :/
urg. lack of sleep, and pressure to speak good english is getting to me.

/end of emo random post

dreams that teach you, stuff.

1) i’m known for being shallow. talk about a guy/girl and the first thing i’ll usually ask “is she/he hot?” or “eh, cute or not huh?” yes my friends do get that quite a lot… sadly.

2) my dreams are often very raw and vivid. i remember most of my dreams when i wake up, and usually i’m exhausted. i’ve only had less than 5 sleeps, where i don’t remember what i’ve dreamed about, and thus, awesome sleep!

okay so this dream last night spoke to me, and I’m hoping I’ll never forget it.

I was under this hdb void deck, and i saw this man whipping a dog. the sad thing was, the dog only had 2 legs. 1 front, 1 back. and he was running (yes functioning the same as 4legged dogs) and the horrid son of a bitch was whipping him like there was no tomorrow.

i ran towards the man and pushed him away and then i got the dog to follow me.. not knowing what to do with it i sat down and called the spca.

the dog lay down on it’s belly and i was rubbing it’s belly.

spca: hi.
me: hey there’s this dog that has been abused and i’m wondering if i could bring it to you guys so it can be looked after?
spca: what happened?
me: well some guy was whipping it and it’s injured..
spca: what’s the breed?
me: it’s a mongrel, short, brown fur.. and it only has 2 legs..
spca: uhm. is it cute?
me: well.. it’s not really cute i guess but..
(spca cuts in)
spca: well honey, if i’ts not cute we ain’t taking it. no one will want it.
me: but it’s a lovely dog.. it’s not fluffy or white but it’s amazing and it’s so strong ykno..?
spca: sorry.

and they hung up on me.
was crying when i woke up and woah that dream hit me real hard.

okay gotta be less shallow.

ps: the 2 legged dog is real lah! go search ripley’s believe it or not. i saw the video in gold coast!