have you ever felt so naked you felt your cheeks burning, even though you were fully clothed?
last night i lay in bed thinking, “what exactly are you afraid of, char?”
tonnes of thoughts went through my mine, it was like watching my life in slow mo. it freaked me out, it made me cringe, but still, i watched it all without closing my eyes. i guess that’s how it was, to me. facing my fears, not what was in front of me, but what was inside my head. i’ve been battling with these demons for the longest time now.
afraid of getting hurt? possible.
afraid of commitment? possible.
afraid to waste time? possible.
and then i thought, all this (or is it these you english nazis! i think it’s this though) while i’ve been running away. people come towards me, i step back. it’s like a dance, really. except i never moved forward. before melbourne, i can’t pin-point a time where i actually dared to go up to someone and say “hi, i’m charmaine. how are you?”
God has presented me with many opportunities i’m sure, but i’ve probably ran away from all of them, responsibilities and such.
maybe it’s time to stop running, to stop worrying, and for once, dive head first, without the care of anything that might happen in the future. if it happens, it happens.
after all, that’s what i’ve always wanted to do right? throw my worries and all away, and to just “live in that moment”. throwing caution to the wind. hmm.
i’ve always envied people who are able to not bothered about any consequences, like oli, who flew over to find the girl he loved.
and right now, i’m going to take the first step, and be like them.
and with those really scary thoughts, i fell asleep.
hi g, if you see this. i love you so so so much and you mean the world to me. every night i thank god for you. and as much as this creeps you out i hope you’re smiling as wide as i am, while i’m typing this.