life as it is

so yesterday I was feeling really horrid. :/ dejected, rejected. it was quite a 180 degree turn from how happy I was the previous night/nights.

but I guess the most important thing is to stay grounded. we can all get caught up in the moment but it should stop there. whatever happened at that period of time shouldn’t be brought forward. like, you can think of how nice X situation was, but you shouldn’t go on hoping for more to come. because along with expectations, disappointments happen.

last night I slept with a heavy heart. all my insecurities were eating me throughout the evening/night, I simply had no mood to do any work of sorts. I was even moping online. thank God for g and cass, though.

and here’s what I was… feeling “Crappy” about.
1) school. never actually realised journals had to be used, and not like, normal websites. beating myself for that, really. how silly of me.

2) assignments. I’ve 3 due when break ends. and because I was feeling crappy I had no motivation. then I felt crappy for having no motivation. put on repeat.

3) church. as much as I wanna be closer to God, there’s just.. so many things… I’m not wanting to do. being committed for example. for cell group, for church, I still feel pressurised to go, to be like them. all.. holy and unjudgemental (though i really don’t believe people don’t judge.) and how when life “sucks”, people can still praise God.

4) commitments. I’ve not found a part time job here because.. I really don’t like the idea of committing to anything. I want to be free, I don’t want my day to be full of timetables. (brings it back to going to church and all… it’s a cycle)

5) boys.

6) self bashing. on how I’m too fat, too lazy, fat arms, tummy, fat legs, chubby face. what’s new?

and before I slept I was asking God why it’s so hard for me to be truly happy, to not have that emptiness, that void inside me.

Haven’t gotten the answer yet but this morning, instead of wakin up to the alarm clock, I decided to sleep in, laze in bed. Woke up, and felt tonnes better. there was the “well, whatever happens, happens. not gonna care too much about it.”

so there we have it. long.. emo/neutral post.

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