Free as a lark

It’s old news, but I’m single. Whoooop! -throws confetti in the air-

This is probably going to be a mega ranting / angsty post… but I want to talk about it because life isn’t smooth sailing.

Is it stating the obvious to say I broke up with Cyril? Lol. About two months ago. And while it seemed that ‘everything was perfect’, it really wasn’t. And while I’ll try to keep this balanced, it’s tough because emotions are involved.. not much on mine lah. but his. hahaha. I’ve been told many times I’m a heartless bitch when it came to this relationship.

I remember blogging about being relieved that he went back to France in December. It gave me more free time. I felt like I could breathe..

But I guess it wasn’t enough for me. I still felt like I was dragging both of us on, in the relationship, I felt like I was drowning when I was with him. I actually told C that when I broke up with him.

And while the supposed deal breaker was because he didn’t believe in God, there were a heap of other reasons…

Dependency isn’t love
I don’t think I ever fell for him, because I could always think clearly while with him. I knew where it was headed to, and I was always in control of my emotions… It was nice to have someone there. But I didn’t need it. And I think it was the same for him. After we broke up, he told me why he liked me in the first place. He hated his life, and I was there being all cheerful (oh, the irony), always smiling and laughing.. and he was attracted to me. I helped him out of his shell. Quite an unhealthy relationship, don’t you think?

To him, we created happy memories. But I’m like, happy moments, everyone also can create that. And he wants someone by his side while he finds a job, he just wants to build a future with someone. It’s as if, with someone, a job will fall onto his lap magically, the world stops for you, you’ll have money to survive, all bills will be paid… If you don’t wanna build a future by yourself, why will anyone want a future with you?

Religion and values
When I didn’t want to be with him at first, he’d go.. “Why can you think that God put us in each other’s lives?” It did make me think about what he said. And he may be right. And then when we fought, he’d also go “I don’t need God, and you know that”. Convenient hor.

When we got together, He’d try to convince me that we had the same values, and that…. we liked the same thing. Uhh just because we like diving doesn’t mean we should be together lah? But he never understood that.

Also, I have a set of values that I try to keep. Not having premarital sex is one of them. Can you imagine having a guy pressure you into breaking your values? Or whining about it? I know what I wanna do with my body, and what I don’t wanna do.. I’d always tell him, “Would you rather me sleep with you just to appease you, or sleep with you because I actually want to?”

And when he says, “this is what people do when they love each other”, or he tries to reason that men have needs… making me cringe so bad, and making me feel like my body was just.. a body. As if such urges couldn’t be controlled… I talked to friends about this, and I knew I could never be with someone who was like that.

And every time we argue, he’d be so childish and spite me with, “Also, you know that I don’t need God in my life”. To which I’d respond with, “Yea I know, that’s why I think we should just break up”. And he’ll disagree and all.. Saying he is trying his hardest to know God… but it brings me to this point.. Are you really trying hard enough when you can tell me every single day that you don’t need God? What are you trying to do, really? Burst my blood vessel?

Our views on jobs
C’s idea of a job.. is something that’s 9am-5pm, not even 5.01pm. When he was in Singapore, he stayed in my room, ‘job hunted’, swam, skyped his family etc. He’d read (stupid) articles about how difficult it was to get a job in Sg, list down the reasons, tell me that Singapore isn’t for him etc etc.

Yknow what? He was right. Singapore wasn’t for him. We don’t need people who aren’t willing to work because “the boss isn’t paying me to”. To me, if you’re jobless. Your job is to find a job. That means 9am – 5pm, you’re sending out resumes and going for interviews.

For C, enjoying comes first, which is something I’ll never understand. He thinks that Singaporeans are stupid because we work overtime for nothing, we don’t earn enough to have a house, medical insurance isn’t provided by the govt etc. he blames us for taking away jobs and spoiling the job market. Can’t fault him for thinking that way when the French government babies them and owes the citizens a living. If they’re out of a job, the government should give them money to support them. And this is why he can’t see my point either I guess, two different political environments we grew up in… maybe if I were brought up in France it’ll be different i’ll be slacker #1 hhaha.

It’s a very black / white thing, and something we didn’t agree on. And I knew I couldn’t be with someone like that.

I was blamed for pressuring him to find a job
One month after we broke up, he called me. Cut the long story short, one of the points said…
C: you always asked me to find a hotel job when I don’t want it.
Me: Fuck? You told me you wanna work in Tourism, don’t work in hotel then where you wanna work? #SORRYNOTSORRY

The fear of trying
Instead of job hunting, he’d find reasons as to why it’s difficult to find a job (even in France). And, he’d tell me that he’ll meet his cousin and they’ll talk about the difficulties of job hunting (as if sharing opinions would get him somewhere).

From what he told me, he wants a job that lets him grow, he doesn’t mind a lower pay if he can grow.. a job with skills that lets him work overseas. So ok, I searched for that.. Sounds resonable right now?

…Weeks later he tells me he wants to be a train driver. I hit the roof because it contradicts what he wants in a job, and then we fight over it. The next day, he agrees and says it’s a job with no career progression, he didn’t want to apply for it and he was just telling me what he saw. The following day, he changes his mind, tells me that I look down on him.

And he says his dad got pissed at me because I told him being a train driver isn’t a good job. [Can’t fault him, it’s not a lousy job, someone has to do it, but I thought he’d aim higher?] And C tells me, being a train driver is important because he plans the routes, lives are in his hands.. etc.

1) simi route? the tracks all laid swee swee liao. You reroute ah?
2) you don’t hear SMRT drivers bragging about lives being in their hands.

Also, how is the train driver thing in line with your job expectations? Working overseas with that? How? I couldn’t understand it, don’t think I ever will.

He then told me, the job gave a lot of holidays and benefits, and at 50yrs of age the government would look after him, he doesn’t need to work, they will give him money. So what does it say about what he wants? And what did it say about me spending time helping him to find a job? I felt so drained…

He wanted to do watchmaking. I knew how tough the industry was. Warned him about it but felt if that’s what he wanted to do, sure thing. Means he needed to go to sch (sth he didn’t want), get an apprenticeship etc. He decided to go for a watch talk in Switz, and then backed out after that because “the watch market wasn’t good”.

He would also tell me he didn’t have the necessary qualifications, but would refuse to study to get them. I get that money is an issue but you can get a loan. im sure something can be done. Work and study at the same time. Or when I tell him to study because no one can take away knowledge from him, he would get angry and tell me he has qualifications. And that by the time he graduates he would be nearly 30. In the grand scheme of things, studying for one or two more years is nothing. Maybe cos he’s older than me and then it’s a different thing altogether? I don’t know. We couldn’t agree on anything to do with education or work.

C went back in mid-Dec. We broke up mid-Mar because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t encourage him 24/7 because I realised that that method didn’t work. One day he’d spiral down and just want to go be a factory worker or something. His plans didn’t make sense (to me).

Him: it’s so tough. I think I’ll just be a dive instructor and do what Darren (fellow diver with a dive business, getting Chinese customers) does.
Me: Darren has connections. Do you?
Him: No… but I can make them.
Me: How? All4Diving is a french dive school, how are you going to compete with them?

Conversations like that were on a regular basis. It drove me crazy. Every time something got tough, he’d give up and say I stress him out. I agree. I was really hard on him. Why? Because if we wanted a future together we’d have to work towards it, no? But it felt like I was the only one working towards it. We had different expectations when it came to putting in “effort”. To him , I’m a slave driver. Won’t deny that. But it feels foolish to go with plan A, not see it through, skip to plan B and C.. And get nothing done.

I guess we were brought up in very different environments, where I was taught to fight for my own survival, that I can only depend on myself to find a job, whether it’s something I like or dislike, to find a way to pay the bills, and support myself and my family. And this itself drove a wedge between us because he wouldn’t be able to understand why I did things the way I did.

Basically I was dealing with excuse after excuse. And I finally had enough.

I was really upset when we broke up, and I had second thoughts about it (thinking that I should say it’s ok he isn’t christian, see, emotions talking), but I knew it was for my own good.

I was certain that no guy would treat me the same way he did. He was very loving, very encouraging and supportive.. he was everything I wasn’t to him. Then I realised I don’t need a guy to treat me in this way.. I’m independent enough, having someone beside me is just a bonus. It’s not a necessity..

Sure, the good times were good. But as said, who doesn’t know how to enjoy good times? It’s how you get through bad times that matter. And I couldn’t get through the ‘bad times’.

This leads me to another post I’ve wanted to type for a long time. about the business of a relationship. hmmmm…

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